CHURCH RULES

Submitted by Leshia Roberts Chandler

Church Rule #1: Anything inside your clothes that may move should be strapped down.

Church Rule #2: If reading is not fundamental at your house, avoid reading out loud during the service, unless asked to do so. 

Church Rule #3: If you can’t sing, don’t. The penalty is enhanced if you have a relative who is in a position to pressure anyone to give you the microphone.

Church Rule #4: Do not make origami animals out of dollar bills and put them in the offering.

Church Rule #5: If your hat is so big that you have to leave one of your kids at home so you can get it into your back seat, don’t wear it.

Church Rule #6: Breath Mints

Church Rule #7: If you get a speaking assignment, stay within the parameters of the assignment and SIT DOWN.

Church Rule #8: Clap on 2 & 4 Church Rule #9: If you quote a scripture, make sure you quote it in the right context. Also, make sure it’s actually in the Bible. Example: “God only helps those who help themselves” IS NOT a scripture.

Church Rule #10: If you invite someone on Friends Day, that is not the day for you to stay home. 

Church Rule #11: The use of racial slurs while encouraging the preacher is strictly prohibited. For example: “Preach, (racial slur)!” or “That (racial slur) sure can preach!” are not appropriate.

Church Rule #12: If church starts at 11:00 and you show up at 11:45, please don’t ask the ushers to see if they can get you 3 seats in the front.

Church Rule #13: It is acceptable to ask God to send you a mate, however, if that new brother or sister is married, that is a SURE SIGN that God did not send him or her to you.

Church Rule #14: They’re supposed to play the instruments when the preacher is preaching good. If you’re testifying, and they start playing softly while you’re speaking, that means you need to cut it short and sit down.

Church Rule #15: If your hand has been in contact with a body part or excretion that you wouldn’t want anyone to know it’s been in contact with, DO NOT stick your hand in the communion plate until you use some hand sanitizer.

Church Rule #16: Stop looking at that girl’s/woman’s behind when she walks around for the offering.

Church Rule #17: Try to have your offering prepared before service. It saves time, AND asking the deacons to make change from the collection plate is frowned upon.

Church Rule #18: If you attend a church where the preacher lays hands on people: 
1. Make sure there’s someone there to catch you if you are going to fall down;
2. Make sure you’re the one he or she is actually ministering to before you fall or whatever you do;
3. The church is not responsible for clothing that tears or rides up when you fall, nor is it responsible for any jewelry, wigs or extensions that become dislodged on impact; and
4. If available, video replay will be used to determine whether items were dislodged before or after impact.

Church Rule #19: No texting, tweeting, or posting on facebook. It is an affirmative defense to this rule if you can do it without being obvious AND you’re benefitting the service. For example, it’s okay if you’re texting one of the associate ministers on the front row to wake him or her up.

Church Rule #20: If your church observes Maundy Thursday, and they have foot-washing service, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE wash your feet AND put some lotion on them as close to service time as possible. BIG OL’ crusty, frito-smellin’ feet detract from the significance of the moment.

The list is not exclusive or comprehensive.